I recently found myself logging into an online therapy platform. The pandemic has changed a lot of things and this is certainly one of them for me. I was going to a therapist I really liked about an hour away pre-pandemic. She had a lovely cozy couch and bright colored pillows and I would show up with a coffee, dump my heart and soul on the floor, cry, and then drive home listening (and singing) to loud music. It was pretty perfect. It was easy to stop going when the world shut down in March and then it was easy to stay away when I really added up how much I was spending on my sessions. Isn’t that terrible? Our mental health often takes a backseat to our pocket books and I know I am far better off than others who couldn’t even dream of affording one session.
After months of no therapy when I probably needed it the most, I finally decided to invest in myself again. I found BetterHelp through my newest favorite Podcast (HERself) and was pretty quickly matched with a counselor. I didn’t pay anything for several days until I finally decided it was worth it. I needed to talk to someone. I needed an outlet. I needed therapy (again).
When I met with my therapist the first time, we went over general questions so she could get an idea of who I was and what I was looking for. Why are you here? What are your goals for therapy? How are your relationships? How are your finances? What was your childhood like? Etc. I mentioned I was struggling with confidence and was feeling very self-conscious about things I previously didn’t have issue with. When she asked me to unpack that statement a bit I realized that I had been struggling to find my place for 4.5 years. When we moved from Colorado to my hometown in South Dakota, I faced a bit of an identity crisis. I had left as a child…a fresh faced 18 year old off to college, and while I frequently visited, I wasn’t building a life there. When I returned at 28, married with baby, I was in a completely different phase of life. I was an adult. I was no longer just visiting. I was planting roots down, making relationships, building community. I didn’t know how to show up. My friend’s parents were now coworkers and we shared roles on volunteer boards, a former teacher was now a friend, my elementary school became the school my kids were enrolled in…my roles as a daughter and a sister and a wife and mother all collided and now I was actively all of those things in the same day.
I started pouring out all of this information in a therapy session I had been in for 15 minutes. “I wasn’t sure where I would fit so I just tried to fit everywhere.” Have you ever done that? Tried to mold and shape yourself to become everything to everyone without ever questioning who you wanted to be? I’m not saying I wasn’t being authentic in any of those roles- we can’t complete hide from ourselves- but I definitely became a more muted version of who I had been in the past. And I questioned everything. Did I wear the right thing? Did I sound dumb when I said that? Do they think I’m funny? Too much? Not enough? Am I interesting? Smart enough? Do I wear my hair in a top knot too often? I’m telling you, nothing is off limits.
My point is, I lost confidence in who I was and in who I want to be. Instead of leading, I followed. Instead of speaking up, I over thought every comment and tried to imagine what my audience would think. I was constantly stuck in the comparison trap and looking at every outside source I could find to determine my value. I talk a lot so listening and observing wasn’t necessarily a bad thing for me to do…but I started to wonder if I was staying true to myself. Was I standing up for what I believed in? Was I following my heart or just going through the motions?
The beauty of therapy is having someone else to ask questions no one else is asking, to be able to speak freely to someone without preconceived notions about you or judgements against you. I have a really good community of people that support and care for me- the good, bad and ugly, and it’s been an amazing blessing to have friends in all phases of life to relate to. For me, therapy is the cherry on top. It’s been good for me to truly dig into the root cause of some painful topics and in just a few sessions, I’m really starting to peel back the layers in areas I hadn’t paid attention to before. Have you tried therapy? Have you dealt with self-confidence issues and tackled them head on? I know I’m not alone in this and would love to hear your experience in the comments!
Until next time,
-T-
