Let’s do a temp check. How do you feel about your body? What do you love about it? What do you wish was different? What pops into your head when you look in the mirror? Do you think these feelings stem from your own thoughts/feelings or influences from society/media?
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about weight. For months I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world…my shoulders hunched against the blows that just kept coming. Everything felt heavy and then pretty soon I realized, I also felt heavy. Honestly? I weigh about the same right now as I did 9 months pregnant with each of my kids. I am not pregnant, and I haven’t been in two years.
After my third baby, I dropped weight quickly and felt awesome. Then things leveled out and I gained some back. Then my mom diagnosed with cancer. I was nursing, working, raising 3 kids, and just plain hungry, so I gave myself permission to not worry about my weight for a while. There were far more important things to worry about and stress levels were high.
Fast forward to a time when my social media feed is full of before and after pictures and this world I had personally curated is screaming at me to do better, do more, eat the right things, move your body, JUST DO SOMETHING, and your body will look better so you will be happy. I hated it. I wanted to crawl under a rock with an iced mocha and drown out the noise. Sure, the messages weren’t directed at me specifically but I felt like there was a target on body. Like I was an obvious “before” picture just waiting to be posted next to a much slimmer, and therefore happier, version of myself.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t drown out the noise and, let’s be real, I had been telling myself to get it together for some time and just drop the weight. After a while, I found myself googling every weight loss program, debating spending hundreds on trying a program for the 3rd , 4th or 5th time, wondering if there really was a diet pill that was made of magical unicorn skinny dust, and worst of all, wondering why I could never just commit to something and see it through. Hours of my time was spent trying to find ways to change my body, cursing it when a pair of pants was too tight, and thanking my lucky stars when I got to work remotely and didn’t have to show anyone that I wore compression leggings every. single. day.
I knew all along that I had a lot on my plate – I was stressed and overwhelmed pretty much 24/7. And when I listened closely and ignored the noise, there was a quiet, gentle voice in my head that told me I was beautiful as I was. The voice said,
This body that you criticize and curse has given you three beautiful, healthy baby boys. This body has traveled the world, hugged your loved ones, provided comfort, stood firm in her beliefs. This body is only part of who you are and it simply is. Nothing about this body is good or bad. It simply is. Care for it, treat it well, you need it after all. And for goodness sake, love it unconditionally.
In my heart, when no mirrors are around, and I simply feel the space I’m in, I feel good. Then I pass a mirror at a bad angle or open my feed to find someone wearing an outfit I would never feel confident in but wish I could, and slowly but surely the feelings I had about myself hours before turn sour. I start to turn on myself and berate everything I did that day- what I ate, how often I moved, etc. Food has always brought me comfort and in times of stress or sadness, I seek out things that are delicious and make me feel good down in my soul. I will fully admit to not having the healthiest of habits but I don’t go completely crazy. What always ends up frustrating me is that even when I am “on track” with a plan, I find that nothing works beyond a few pounds.
But there was something else I wasn’t factoring into the equation. My medication. You likely know by now that I am a huge proponent of working with doctors and therapists alike to see how medication and therapy can help treat my anxiety and depression and help me lead a more balanced and fulfilled life. I don’t hide the fact that I take a prescription and I’m a huge advocate for normalizing mental health issues. I don’t know why it took me 14 years to remember the struggles I had with my weight when I started my journey with anxiety/depression medication. Maybe it was because I truly didn’t feel like I had a choice at the time I started popping my daily pill. It was also hard to tell what was influencing the number on the scale when I was essentially pregnant/nursing for the 5 years straight. Maybe it’s because I didn’t think I’d be choosing between being fat and happy or skinny and miserable. In any case, I remembered. And I started researching. Maybe part of the reason that I was having a hard time dropping weight when I was counting the things and doing the workouts was because of the impact these meds have on my body. And if that is the case, is it worth it?
The journey now, in this moment, is trying to figure out what is best for all aspects of my health. Mental, physical and emotional. I will not sacrifice the strides I’ve made in my mental health journey for physical benefit, but I also know that feeling good in my own skin and taking good care of myself positively impacts the other areas. Balance. I am working with my primary physician and therapist to carve a new path. I’m done having babies and not having to factor in growing or nursing a babe gives me more options.
My point in sharing all of this is that the most important thing is for me to figure out what works best for me. To attempt to strip away the influence of curated images and unrealistic (and unfair) societal expectations of what women are supposed to look like and uncover what I want for myself in this life, in this body. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re gentle with yourself; kind and caring. I hope you never forget what your body has done for you and I hope you always remember that as long as you’re here on this planet, you can decide what’s best for you and change your mind as many times as you need.
Until next time,
T
2 thoughts on “Weight a minute…”
Comments are closed.
Trish, I never respond but so much of your story has always resonated with me.
Our bodies are meant to change and like you said yours has carried you through so much joy and also pain and heartache.
I’ve recently discovered a ‘movement’ that I’m trying to hang my hat on for the rest of my life. A self care framework around eating, body, and movement called Intuitive Eating. Look up the book by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch if you’re at all intrigued and think for a second that *maybe* you’re ready to stop the war with your body. Another book I’d encourage you to check out is The Fuck It Diet.
I hope this doesn’t come across wrong. I have so much love for you and your family and with all the challenges in your life I wonder if I have a little something to share that might make this one easier.
I’ll send you a DM on Instagram with some links. Feel free to ignore or delete but if nothing else know there’s one more person that hears this struggle and has some hope it can be different for us our daughters, sons and neices.
I have just started hearing about Intuitive Eating recently and I am so curious! I appreciate you sharing and taking the time to read and comment. So often I get caught up in my head about things that I just KNOW other people have to be struggling with. It helps to have a sense of community in all the good, bad, and ugly!