June. It’s already June. I’ve said this at least 6 times in as many days and at first it seemed like the usual time flies commentary but one moment, I paused. June. June 2019 was when it all started to crumble. June 2019 was when the first cracks appeared in the future we had imagined.
There is so much heartache in the day to day that it’s easier to push it down deep and power through. The latest progressions are by far the hardest. My mom can hardly communicate anymore. The words just don’t come. They sit on the tip of her tongue and refuse to let go. It’s so frustrating and my heart breaks for her as I see the struggle and frustration in her eyes.
One of my favorite things my mom has done since I was a kid is tickle my back. She has magic hands and her soft touch could literally melt away any stress I had at the time. When I feel her squeeze her arm around me in a hug or gently run her fingers down my back, my body immediately relaxes. Some days it’s like I can feel the words she wants to speak through her touch. The best moments are when she’s smiling. When the kids are entertaining or someone tells a joke. Her eyes sparkle and she smiles so easily, for a brief moment, everything is fine. Perfect, even. I try to capture these fleeting moments whenever I can, just like I saved the voice mails so I could hear her voice again. Just give me this moment to hold on to forever.
I knew it would be hard and get harder as time went by. But it’s nothing like I imagined. The pain is a constant rumble and every so often lightening strikes and I brace myself for the crack of thunder. We know it will come, we just don’t know when or how long the storm might last. It’s exhausting. Yet…
I would never trade these moments. I would never trade the time. I would never wish it away. These are the moments and this is the life, so no matter how hard they might be, I know it’s worth it. It’s worth it to see her smile. It’s worth it to see her braced against the sink so she can watch the kids play. Every lost sentence is worth the laughter and smiles we still have. Something to hold onto is better than letting go. ♥️
-T-
2 thoughts on “June”
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Trisha,
I do so love your writing.
Your talent is Beautiful.
Tears flow when you write about your Mom.
Cancer is very cruel. After watching my brother, unless you see it’s hands torcher your Family member, people truly can not feel this.
Enjoy the tickles and hugs Beautiful.
Always asking God to be with your Family 🙏😘🤗
Thank you so much Rosemary. I appreciate you sharing!