In the darkness

I used to sit in front of a computer screen and stare at the cursor blinking back at me, wishing my brain could turn thoughts into words and wash them over the blank page. My creativity comes in unpredictable waves and in the moments I wish I could harness it, my head hits the pillow and I drift off. I’ve never been able to schedule a time to write and get anything worth keeping out of it. I truly have to wait for the inspiration to strike and hope I’m in a position to take advantage.

I’ve been writing a post about the last days we had with my mom and (not surprisingly) it’s taking me a long time to hit publish. When I felt the urge to write today, I realized it was coming from a place of desperation instead of inspiration. The past few days, I’ve felt pulled into the darkness (depression), and it’s usually there that I feel the urge to express myself creatively. My fingers long for the keyboard and I know that if I don’t find a release, it will find me in an unsuspecting moment. I’m familiar with the pattern but still, find myself fighting tooth and nail every time. One part of me knows that I will feel better after I write and the other part just wants to go back to bed.

I was having a night with my 6-year-old and at one point, through angry tears, he said “I wish I could go to another house and you all would stay at this house. That’s it, in the morning I’m going to a different house. And if all the other houses are like this house? I’m going to a different city.” I could feel my heart bursting as I held him close to my chest. I wasn’t angry or upset with him; I was honestly proud he could articulate his frustration so well. But when he ran upstairs to go to bed, I folded into myself and hot tears streamed down my face. At that moment? All I could think was, “me too, buddy.”

I love my family. I would never want to actually leave them…at least not for more than a few days. But when my mind is held captive in the darkness, I become desperate and irrational. I want to feel anything other than what I’m feeling. I want to stop having to care about things like doing dishes and filing taxes. I just want to breathe. I want a minute. When Duke was lashing out and threatening to move out at the ripe age of 6, I didn’t tell him all the reasons why that was a bad idea. I didn’t scold him or tell him that he hurt my feelings. All I said was “I love you,” and gently rubbed his back. I don’t think my 6-year-old is depressed but I do think that he was frustrated and disappointed and tired. And I get it. After a little while, he came back downstairs and said “I forgot to give you a kiss,” kissed me and ran back upstairs.

So, why am I writing about this? Honestly, because I’ve been in a funk for days. I’ve been tired and irritable and really sad. I’ve been hormonal and angry and mean. Today, I tried so hard to keep myself in check and I did a decent job until a moment when my sweet oldest son brought me to my knees. He gave me exactly what I needed to let it out. He reminded me that all emotions are okay and that it’s safe to express them in our house. He showed me that just a few moments after you let it out, you can feel so much better.

If you’ve dealt with any sort of depression in your life, I think you’ll get this. I think you’ll feel seen. If you haven’t? Maybe it will help you understand someone you love a little better. My battles are a little more predictable than they were 10 years ago and I’m grateful for the support and the space that I have to weather the storm, but each time it’s still a battle. I know it will pass AND I feel trapped. I quickly remind myself to give myself grace AND I hate how it feels to exist in my own skin. Eventually, I find some sort of release (therapy, writing, coaching, crying, self-care, etc.) and I come back up for air. I breathe. The clouds part and the sun comes back out. It always comes back out. And then I’m grateful for its warmth as long as I have it.

-T-

P.S. Please note that I am not in any way saying the clinical depression will simply pass without intervention. Every person’s situation is completely unique and you should always work closely with your doctor(s) to create a plan that works for you.